Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Mustache JUSTICE

I enjoy the spins of indie dance band JUSTICE. They are french, and they get dancey. However, after watching this interview, I am confused by their positions on the female mustache. Both garcons rock pleasant staches, but one claims his first crush, a female, had a mustache herself. This is rather confusing. Perhaps he was trying to be silly. The french are not known for their sense of humor.

Seinfeld: Bigoted Against Mustache!

Seinfeld, you are on my hit list!


While browsing the net, I came across a fabulous find!

The Glorious Mustache Challenge is an indie film (my genre). Read what the directors say about this ambitious yet amazing work:

The mustache used to be a symbol of a man's entry into the dignified elite. In modern times, however, the mustache has fallen from grace. Still, mustache challenges happen all over the world for sport, charity, and amusement...

Out of the hairy abyss comes "The Glorius Mustache Challenge"-a social engineering experiment designed to rescue the sexy mustache from the pop culture graveyard.

Director and host Jay Della Valle brings us on his quest to raise a revival on the upper lips of our youth. In 2004, he hits the streets with a stack of flyers and a dream. He issues the challenge to men under 30: To grow a mustache for 1 month. No beards. No goatees. Just the lone stache.
Brave young men answer the call. They come from all walks of life, from a radiologist, to a musician, to an airline pilot... to the one high school student willing to take the risk. Some are excited and ready to grow. Others are nervous about the negative reactions of girlfriends and friends. They all face social disgrace to join the budding mustache movement.

As the growing gets under way, we learn about great mustaches through time, in an animated history of the mustache. We discover how something as simple as a little hair on the upper lip can change a man in surprising ways.

Meet Chad, a New Jersey entrepreneur, who grows a little fuzz and loses his business, his friends, and both of his girlfriends. On the opposite coast is Nick, a California surfer who catches more waves, and more ladies, once he starts rocking the 'stache.

After the month is over, the men have mixed reactions. LA actor Peter falls in love with his new mustache persona and vows to make it a lifestyle. Business owner Jeff thinks he might need therapy. Former farmer Walker experiences PSSD, "Post-Stache Stress Disorder." He feels dorky, less confident, and antsy to grow it back.

The stubbly seeds of a revolution have been sewn...
As the movement spreads, we see just how much one man can accomplish with no budget, no backing... just a glorious dream. Jay and his band of mustachial merry-makers hit historic Union Square and stage a protest march for mustache rights. Jay heads out to the New York bar scene to find out just how much the ladies despise mustaches, and tries to change their minds. Later, Jay and his fuzzy-lipped followers bring the message to the masses when they appear on The Today Show and Good Morning America, Glorius Mustache is on the front page of the paper. Staches are sprouting on the lips of celebrities and trend-setters everywhere.
The mustache is back!

In their quest to beat the odds, Della Valle and his 'stache-wearing studs persevere to make the lip hip. They transform from insecure boys into proud mustachial pioneers. Peppered with an original rock and roll score and hilarious graphics, the Glorius Mustache will repulse you, fascinate you, and ultimately, seduce you!


A Good Day

Sometimes I enjoy a day where I can just watch a Magnum PI marathon. Not just for the mystery, adventure, exposions, and girls in bikinis in Hawaii, but for the mustaches.

It is a veritable payload of mustache heaven! Obviously the main character sports one of the greatest mustaches ever to grace the television screen. Perfect symmetry, a rich mahogony, it's a true piece a fine art of the 20th century.

Who is a better advocate of the mustache than this Navy Seal/Vietnam vet turned private investigator? A true American always fashionable in a hawaiian shirt.

Notice here we have three more mustaches in the cast. Higgins is of course wearing a traditional English moustache, for a traditional English chap with old war stories to tell and remains an enigma throughout the episodes. He was an international spy and Nazi infiltrator. Yes, the mustache is a sign of heroics and honor. Son of a Duke, Higgins was rich as well.
Notice one man does not have a mustache. He's the guy who had all the underworld contacts and some today might refer to him as a "douche".
Magnum P.I. - You are a hero. A mustache hero.

Magical Mustache Tour

As a music enthusiast, I am a huge fan of the Fab Four, the Beatles. These fine musicians had 10 spectacular years of songwriting, and of course, facial hair. Their manager, Brian Epstein kept them clean cut and in suits during their early 1960 years. But the second these lads could break free and become their true counter-culture progressive selves, they grew mustaches, starting with George when he visits India in 1966. The Beatles stopped touring on August 29, 1966, in which they released St. Pepper in 1967, in full mustaches. The mustaches are fully chronicled in this site titled the Beatles Mustache Index.
Once the lads felt they could let their mop tops down and be free, they pretty much wore mustaches all the time. Only they spelled it "moustache" due to being British.
Ringo was the biggest mustache advocate, followed by George. Paul and John were slightly more sporadic. To be honest, I don't think they wore the mustache as finely as the other two. They lack the facial structure.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Rock Mustache

Many of you know I have a distinct taste in music. Mostly obscure jaunts that you've never heard of. This leaves me troubled with famed rocker David Grohl. You may recall he was in the band Nirvana. I can remember as a small whisker listening to the Grunge era and beginning to love music to lull of Kurt Cobain's slurring lyrics. Dave Grohl's career continued after the tragic suicide/possible murder by Black Widow Courtney Love (I do dabble in conspiracies in my spare hours using Monti's iphone netbrowser). During Dave Grohl's career he became mainstream, and I have a general distaste for the mainstream, hence being an upscale mustache from 1920.

So this leaves me in a bind. Dave Grohl has been a staunch mustache supporter, and a great leader in the music community. However, his mainstream connection in the past 15 years is very consuming. Why listen to a band that is clearly on KROQ (shudder) & on MTV 2 during hours in which no normal human being is awake (and possibly a Hills soundtrack song, ugh!), when you could be listening to such artists as Apes n Androids, The Faint, Why?, Mr. Gnome, and other bands I revel in the fact that you've never heard of.

Dilemma! Dave Grohl you are an enigma. I will grant you mustache love. Merely for playing the drums with Sir Paul McCartney, who also wore a clever mustache in his youth, at the Grammy's. That award show is despicable. Hey - Mustache Love. A great name for a band! Just googled it, and there is no band, so it is mine. Copyright sent yesterday.

Thursday, March 26, 2009

Simon Cowell drew a mustache on Paula Abdul's face. I must say, it was almost an improvement.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

The Write Stache dot com

With a catchphrase "Because naked lips don't win championships", these rouges are starting the greatest movement since the railroad - www.thewritestache.com. Internet bloggers are trying to convince some Met player to grow a mustache. I am not a Mets fan, but apparently this team has a history in growing the stache, and it is chronicled and used as an argument for Mr. Write to grow a mustache on this website.

Brilliant! I am in full support of mustaches, even if it is on a professional athlete I've never heard of.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Horrible Disgrace!

This disgusts me. Never should a female wear a mustache. I am not against females rising in society, however, defacing a fine work of art of a beautiful lady with a fake mustache is horrendous. The mustache grows as a product from testosterone. Unless this fair mistress has been talking HGH she should NOT be wearing a mustache! 

Sunday, March 22, 2009

Ladies Behold!

It has come to my attention that Monti's conspired slaughter of mine very existence is due to the false notion that mustaches are unattractive to the ladies. Here are Hollywood hearthrobs in which the ladies swoon...

Witness Orlando Bloom blossom from mere boy with naked upper lip into full manhood with mustache. A far better selection than his adolescent appeal that only Michael Jackson would be attracted to! Now women can smell the testosterone on this manly man!

Women don't want elves. They want pirates.

Johnny Depp is a man who can be seen with a mustache far more often than without. Perhaps this is because he knows that it is more potent than the richest love potion.

An antiquated example of a ladies man with only the finest accessory known to man? I think not! History repeats itself, and Clark Gable proudly sported the mustache as well as attracted the dames of his time.

Hollywood: the mustache is for only the best looking gentleman. A trend I have adhered to.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

You Will Never Be Rid of Me....NEVER!

I have heard Monti conspiring to murder me. This assassination attempt will be futile! I WILL SURVIVE!

Mustache Mockery!

How gauche! Seth MacFarland, you are a filthy bare-lipped tragic commoner! Perhaps if you'd indulged in the fine art of the mustache you wouldn't create such drivel.

What's this? I see a chest beard! Reminiscent of a man who himself would have a fine pornography library! Pot. Kettle. Black. Or in my world, Beard. Mustache. Hairy.

Friday, March 20, 2009

You Give Mustaches A Bad Name: Criminals

Mustache offenders are lurking in every corner of society, marring the good name of mustaches everywhere. In these segments I enjoy outing those in our community who have disparaged the good name of Mustache! In this entry I will embarass and explain the criminal mustache wearer.

Serial Killers

Notice that famed serial killers such as Richard Ramirez, Ted Bundy, Ed Gein, David Berkowitz, Jeff Dahmer, and John Wayne Gacy all have clean shaven faces. I will be pointing out less notable ones although some kill counts are quite frightening! NOTE: Most serial killers DO NOT WEAR MUSTACHES!

Dennis Rader (BTK)

Bind. Torture. Kill. I wish he would do that to his grotesque mustache. Uneven and full of grays. Has he heard of Just for Men? If you'd like to go gray, pray sick fellow, please go all gray and be distinguished! To choose a patchy path is to to choose torture upon our eyes! The poor victims whose last vision had to be your unsightly stache!

Gary Ridgeway (Green River Killer)

It pains me to admit this Salt Lake City born prostitute killer wears a lip accessory. He is a man of low intelligence although he avoided capture for nearly 20 years, in which he worn a mustache a majority of that time. He was what some in these latter days consider a typical mustache wearer - porn addict, prostitute obsessed (killing 48), and a psychopath. Fortunately, most with this personality profile are clean shaven.

Henry Lee Lucus

This scoundrel managed to claim to kill over 100 women! He only really wears a mustache in his mugshot, unfairly contributing to the false notion that mustaches are for lunatics or porn addicts. He claimed to kill Jimmy Hoffa, participate in human sacrifice and snuff films. Gauche. He's truly an odd character that probably did most of these practices while sans stache.
Pedro Alonzo Lopez (Monster of the Andes)
Child rapist and murderer of 300 children in the Andes mountains. Yes, this offender is probably the worst mustache wearer and serial killer of all time. Not thick enough nor is it luxurious. Suprised he even lured childern with a face like that. Michael Jackson keeps his looking clean shaven and like a white woman as to not scare little children away, because children are frightened of grown men. Women however, can't resist the masculinity of the stache.

Mustache of the Day

To some, Dr. King is pondering the civil rights movement and peace between races. To others, he is planning a political upheaval. To me, he is musing over the possibility of a mustache-less existence, meanwhile counting the men in the room who don't have mustaches and probably judging them for the content of their character, which is clearly flawed.

There are rumors out new President elect Barack Obama may be growing a mustache, which is spectacular news. I am clinging to my audacity of hope that he will rule with what has historically been a successful Vice President. If he misspoke, people wouldn't be listening, they'd be thinking, "What a fine mustache." It would be the most politically savvy move, also following in the footsteps of the greatest civil rights activist and African American mustache advocate in the history of the world.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009

Daniel Day Lewis

I was enjoying the pleasureful taste of a thick and hearty vanilla shake when I daydreamed of my favorite actor - Mr. Daniel Day Lewis, finest mustache wearing actor in modern history.

His most recent display of a fine lip ornament was in There Will Be Blood, portraying a greedy oil Barron. Delightful. This thespian won Best Actor for his performance and I solely attribute this decision by the Academy to his mustache! All other nominees in 2007 were clean shaven - especially Johnny Depp who played a murderous barber (I'm guessing the Academy despised him and he came in dead last!). That movie gave me nightmares! It was torture to watch shaving after shaving...it was facial hair abuse!

The other movie which brings me pure mustache pleasure is Gangs of New York, in which he plays Bill the Butcher. His mustache is divine! My cut is shaped and modeled after this stylish specimen, and what a specimen it is! It is the classic handlebar mustache popular in the late nineteenth and early 20th century. Monti is always a trendsetter, reinventing the best trends of the best characters!

Sunday, March 15, 2009

You Give Mustaches A Bad Name: Politics and History

The majority of mustache's throughout history have been symbols of pride. However, few mustaches are an embarrassment to the Mustache Community! Here I point out a few foes that have marred the fair name of Mustache.

Communist Mustachefesto
The Mustache is a clear badge of freedom, artistic expression to show the world you are a non-conformist with your facial hair! These men, however, are not lovers of freedom but are lovers of the mustache:

Vladmir Lenin
Notice this Marxist clings to his mustache hair after losing his youthful head hair. Even his eyebrows seem spotty. He later complements his full mustache with a beard as he ages which somewhat downplays the "evil" stereotype of the mustache. Churchill once said of Lenin, "He alone could have found the way back to the causeway...The Russian people were left floundering in the bog. Their worst misfortune was his birth...their next worst his death." I am astounded he forget to mention the misfortune of what he did to the mustache establishment. Even worse is his partners in crime...

Josef Stalin

This rapscallion donned a mustache his entire life, from young radical to cold hearted, calculating dictator. His mustache was used to hide his pock marks from acne in his youth, which my friends, his a great disguise for a rugged a face. His chronic mustache throughout history has been a plague to mustache wearers & it would really suit us if let's say one of our more tech savvy brother's in arms could perhaps photoshop a nude-lipped version of this mass murderer and replaced the pictures. A large task? Perhaps, but I believe it would do us well with the ladies in the long run.

Fidel Castro

This crazy Cuban typically wears an unruly beard to accompany his lazy mustache. That does not, however, stem his attempts at ruining the fine reputation the mustache earned throughout the nineteenth century. Marxist scamps such as Castro & his miscreant brother Raul - who also garnishes a pathetic patchy mustache - have single handedly taken turned what was once class into crass.


Nobody likes a Fascist. Somewhere in fascist, lies the word face. And on your face is a mustache.

Adolph Hitler

Fortunately for defenders of the hairy upper lip, this unsightly trim resembles that of a accident of a slop who can't wipe their dirty face. Who would ever grow a mustache such as this, other than Charlie Chaplin, who I almost mentioned the in Communist section as he was a pinko and left on the Hollywood blacklist! Good riddance to that homely mustache! One would think an aspiring artist such as Fuhrer Hitler would have the sensibilities to abandon such an unfashionable facial styling, then again, he failed as a starving artist - and we mustache wearers know why!

Saddam Huessein

Ugh. I just do not have the energy for this Kurd murdering scamp.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Truly Abhorrant

What trampish/mistress of the night with a voice like a screeching train whistle owns this thin and patchy mustache? Precisely why a woman cannot grow one! They lack the manliness and hormones for a thick, mighty upper lip!

Madonna, please invest in a fine bleaching kit, or a wax. With millions of dollars and a full staff of adopted African children, certainly someone can attend to your mustache.

Friday, March 13, 2009

Ladies Beware....

We all know the ladies love Michael Phelps and I don't think it's because of all those endorsements, olympic gold medals, 2% body fat, or the pot smoking. Clearly females are addicted to this classic horseshoe mustache (not to be confused with a fu-manchu which would hang off the face).

This sordid shave is reminiscent of a 1982 porn director casting from a back alley. It's blotchy, tasteless, and given his new affinity for poker tables and bongs seems fitting. I am shocked that any lady would be attracted to such an unsightly and uneven shave. The females of today wouldn't know a well groomed mustache if it rubbed them in the face over and over again, brushing against their delicate. soft, ivory skin, touching them with the caress that only a well conditioned mustache could...

Might I suggest an english trim or perhaps cheveron cut? For a swimmer sir - and this kills me to the shaft of each hair - I might just say nude is best!

Bad Ass Mustache

Notice what these men of the law all have in common.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Letter to Abraham Lincoln

Dear Abraham Lincoln,

Allow me to commend your preserving our great Union as I have witnessed a century and a half later your valiant efforts despite some squabbling about habeus corpus and the draft, some minor disputes about abandoning the gold standard (which we did again), and perhaps are the first Republican President to expand government, but no matter. Sir, your legacy is a fine one, but your face is not.

I have noticed your face is graced with a full beard yet you neglect your upper lip. This is a disgrace. Mine eyes are blinded by such a heinous sight. It as if they were bludgeoned by secessionists in a wild rage, pitchforks in hand! It is clear you are a man known for making rational and tempered decisions, to make such an error in judgement, a crucial misstep, is a mark on our nation's history.

Your knavish assassin actor John Wilkes Booth was known as the "handsomest man in America" - I attribute this solely to one prominent feature on his rakish face - his thick mustache. Descriptions include "curling hair like a Corinthian capital." Women's knees buckled at the sight of his dapper and well kept upper lip. I am not condoning his treasonous actions, just merely pointing out the obvious.

This actor was reported to have shout two different phrases during his murderous leap - "sic semper tyrannis, which translates to "why don't you grow a mustache fiend", as well as "the South is Avenged" which I purport was misheard as "mustache is avenged", being an amateur conspiracy theorist in my spare time.

I beseech thee, nay I implore thee sir, to grow a full mustache in your mansion in heaven, in all it's radiant splendor. If nothing else, prove to that scoundrel Booth that you have a thick upper lip, as well as the Corinthian Capital of Abraham Lincoln's stache. You'll have to send him a picture via email of course as he certainly won't be residing in heaven.

Monti's Mustache.

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

The female mustache

I would now like to state my opinion on the female mustache. Hideous! Outrageous! Indecent! Never should a female attempt the glory that is the mustache. I now shall state my reasons:
1. A mustache in it's full splendor is rich and thick, which is a feature only grown by men. A female mustache is typically spotty, uneven, and shocks the sight. 
2. The female looks grotesque and will have difficulties attracting a mate. 
3. It is against the general societal rules and is displeasing to all, especially the mustache community, which spends thousands of dollars lobbying every year to politicians. We are offended by these actions as these are not real mustaches, these are phonies, and it has to be stopped. 

I believe I have made my general outrage clear. If you are a gentlewoman suffering from an upper lip shadow, please consider many of the fine waxing and bleaching products available at your nearest corner drugstore. 

Thursday, March 5, 2009

A Lesson in Mustaches

Some of you may be curious about the delectable styles of mustaches. Here is a reference chart so you may be better informed and well educated about mustaches and our issues.

You'll notice I'm of the handlebar variety, bursting with character yet sensibility. Which mustache fits you best?

Letter to Brigham Young

Brigham Young
Spirit Paradise

Dear kind Prophet,
I would dearly thank you for leading the Saints over the wild plains far from the reaches of horrifying mobs and economic disparity in Nauvoo and Missouri. But dear sir, your face offends even the most gentle and God fearing sister wife. To grow a full beard, coarse, thick and unruly, yet plainly disregard the noble mustache is insulting and unsightly.

I'm sure you were avoiding the common connotation of your period - that mustache's are for the mighty warrior growing larger with rank. Rightly so as you are a Prophet with Christ's peaceful message. But good gentleman, you are a Prophet of the Lord who fights in God's army in the Latter Days! Leading the Saints to victory against Satan and persecution! So I surely pray Christ uses his almighty powers to grow a quick mustache on your nude lip as to not scare little spirit children in heaven.

Always respectful and obedient,
Monti's Mustache