We all know the ladies love Michael Phelps and I don't think it's because of all those endorsements, olympic gold medals, 2% body fat, or the pot smoking. Clearly females are addicted to this classic horseshoe mustache (not to be confused with a fu-manchu which would hang off the face).
This sordid shave is reminiscent of a 1982 porn director casting from a back alley. It's blotchy, tasteless, and given his new affinity for poker tables and bongs seems fitting. I am shocked that any lady would be attracted to such an unsightly and uneven shave. The females of today wouldn't know a well groomed mustache if it rubbed them in the face over and over again, brushing against their delicate. soft, ivory skin, touching them with the caress that only a well conditioned mustache could...
Might I suggest an english trim or perhaps cheveron cut? For a swimmer sir - and this kills me to the shaft of each hair - I might just say nude is best!
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