Allow me to commend your preserving our great Union as I have witnessed a century and a half later your valiant efforts despite some squabbling about habeus corpus and the draft, some minor disputes about abandoning the gold standard (which we did again), and perhaps are the first Republican President to expand government, but no matter. Sir, your legacy is a fine one, but your face is not.
I have noticed your face is graced with a full beard yet you neglect your upper lip. This is a disgrace. Mine eyes are blinded by such a heinous sight. It as if they were bludgeoned by secessionists in a wild rage, pitchforks in hand! It is clear you are a man known for making rational and tempered decisions, to make such an error in judgement, a crucial misstep, is a mark on our nation's history.
Your knavish assassin actor John Wilkes Booth was known as the "handsomest man in America" - I attribute this solely to one prominent feature on his rakish face - his thick mustache. Descriptions include "curling hair like a Corinthian capital." Women's knees buckled at the sight of his dapper and well kept upper lip. I am not condoning his treasonous actions, just merely pointing out the obvious.This actor was reported to have shout two different phrases during his murderous leap - "sic semper tyrannis, which translates to "why don't you grow a mustache fiend", as well as "the South is Avenged" which I purport was misheard as "mustache is avenged", being an amateur conspiracy theorist in my spare time.
I beseech thee, nay I implore thee sir, to grow a full mustache in your mansion in heaven, in all it's radiant splendor. If nothing else, prove to that scoundrel Booth that you have a thick upper lip, as well as the Corinthian Capital of Abraham Lincoln's stache. You'll have to send him a picture via email of course as he certainly won't be residing in heaven.
Respectfully,
Monti's Mustache.
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